I know you’re fine, but what about the fallout. What do I do.

 

P.S. Inception ^^^^^^^^

P.S.

One final post for the day.

 

 

I’ve been chilling in Starbucks, supposedly studying. Just people watching. Love.

Monologue.

You know, at night I rehearse everything I want to say.

 

Well, Hey.

It’s me.

Most of you know that already, but if not, hey, that’s cool.

Because I kind of live under a rock.

You’ll never see me around, only here.

Unless, of course, I stalk you. Which is highly plausible. I stalk alot of people.

Mostly the ones I used to be close to, or want to be close to.

That’s just me.

Tonight.

I’m slightly nervous for it.

 

I’m a bit terrified of being rejected or excluded.

And mostly I’m scared that people have forgotten me.

 

Please prove me wrong. Please make me look back on tonight and say:

“Why did I even bother worrying myself about this?”

 

Please. It’s up to you.

This is why we do it, this is worth the pain.

This is when we fall down and get back up again.

This is where the heart lies, this is from above.

Love = This. This = Love.

From February

Dear You,

I never imagined in a million years that it would be you, in the end. Never in a million years did I think it would be anybody. I mean, I thought I already had someone for me. I don’t remember how it started, I don’t remember when it started. All I know is it happened the first time I saw you after Christmas. From January until now, we’ve gotten so much closer.

I don’t know why it started. I think it was a little random. I think one day, I was talking to you and then, it just sorta kicked in and hit me in the head. So from therefore on, I loved it when I had your slightest attention.

Now here’s where I tell you what you need to understand. I’m not like them. Not like those girls, who took a different approach to you. I don’t like clinging to you, throwing myself all over you. I don’t like to follow you around, I don’t sit beside you. I don’t like it being obvious to others. I don’t like forcing it upon you.

I don’t like making the moves, for fear of annoying you. In case you don’t appreciate girls sitting on your lap and smothering you with hugs 24/7. I just kinda lay back a bit. I don’t want to spend time with you because I’m ever so coincidentally beside you all the time (ahem, stalking you.). I’d rather you make the decision to come to me. To sit beside me, to talk to me. To hug me of your own accord.

I put myself in positions where that would be easy for you to do. I should be easy to approach, to talk to. And in the past couple weeks, that happened. It was lovely.

While those handful of girls were flinging themselves at you, it was nice for once to come sit beside me and enjoy yourself in some new company. While they were consistently hugging you, grabbing your hand, sitting on your lap; it was actually enjoyable for you to come and put your arm around me. I was a safety, and I’m fine with that because you’re mine.

I like your smile. I like when you dance with me. I like when you come to me. I like when you sit beside me and talk. I like when we laugh together. I like our mindless little games. I like the way you hug me, I feel so wonderfully safe. And. I like you.

Thanks for being an awesome friend, thanks for improving the best five months of my life. Thanks for showing me what it feels like to be held. Thank you for holding me. Thanks for your consistent hugs when I’m sad. Thanks for our little backstage cuddle-puddles and thumb wars. Thanks for telling me I was amazing. You are too.

I miss you already, and I’ll miss you everyday until we meet again.

 

 

(Tonight, I’ve been reading back some old journal entries. They’re quite brilliant so I needed to publish.)

What You Need To Know

List form.

- I regret not taking that chance with you.
- I feel soooo horrible about the things I’ve said to you.
- I admire you extremely. Not because you’ve never made mistakes, we now know that that isn’t anywhere near true. But because of how you chose to act upon that mistake you made, and how you sorted it out.
- I almost deleted all of those pictures of you and her on your phone.
- It killed me to talk to her.
- I was thinking about breaking you two up.
- I was jealous of how pretty she was.
- I sat on my floor and cried over you for three days in a row.
- I’ve thought about you everyday since 2009. Legit.
- I want a second chance.
- Its not you, its me.
- I like your hair.
- I like the feel of my hands on your back when we hug.
- I keep a picture of you on my camera for those lonely nights.
- I wish you would show up tonight, like in those movies.
- I’m scared for you to go to school, because I’m afraid you’ll find someone else and forget me.
- You might me bad for me, but realize that I’m probably bad for you.
- I like to talk about other guys in front of you, to make you jealous.
- I have a friend stalking you for me.
- I stalk your YouTube channel.
- You’re tone deaf, but you can still serenade me.
- I like you for you, don’t change that.
- I secretly hope you do get taller than me.
- You can’t count on me to be confident and take risks.
- I’ll get paranoid and break your heart.
- I don’t know anything in this area.
- I consider you a player, even if you don’t.
- I like it when you say my name.
- I love it when you call me nicknames.
- I’ve written two songs that were inspired by you.
- I’m scared of “us”.
- You’re consistently my 11:11 wish.
- I like when you wear hats.
- I’m disgusted by your ugly pajama pants.
- Don’t underestimate being a gentleman.
- Stop conforming to the stereotype, and be your old sweet self.
- I love you. Maybe not though.

Conversations From Autumn.

 

Me: And they said I was loveable.
    You: They're probably blind.
    Me: Come on, but seriously.
    You: Yes.
    Me: Yes, what?
    You: You are so loveable.

I wish you were here. But you’re not, you’re there. And there doesn’t know how lucky it is.

Maybe.

I should write a song. It's been awhile and this story is too long to tell someone who's a thousand miles away.

I Give Up.

I'm done with thinking. I'm done with being confused. I'm done with hoping, wondering, imagining. I need to let go. I need to accept. I'm through with denial and I'm through with sticking by you because it's frustrating.


Thank you for your application into my life, we will take it under consideration.

To See Your Beautiful Face.