Funnies.

Cashiers are always checking me out.

I dropped my laptop off the boat today. It’s a Dell, rolling in the deep.

Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing.

I deleted my Twitter because I’m sure people were following me….

Me: “I’m so over him.”

Him: “Hey”

Me: “Nevermind.”

You are so attractive I can’t even. Blah.

Missing.

 

I miss everything about LWW. I miss our dance parties, inside jokes, cuddle puddles. I miss Erik and the boxes of donuts on Saturday mornings. I miss walking into the theatre on Sunday mornings with my apple cider in hand. I miss the magical Narnian water fountain. I miss everything being William’s fault. I miss the Peter/Owl relationship and all of the jokes and conversations that came along with it. I miss having a big brother and sister. I miss our QuizFest magazine infatuation during the run. I miss getting my program signed by my cast members like I was some crazed fan pretending I wasn’t in the show. I miss telling Augusto I would turn him to soup – onstage. I miss twirling Natalie at the end of the waltz. I miss when people actually understood my owl alter-ego. I miss doing Susan’s hair everyday. I miss when I wasn’t the craziest of all of my friends. I miss whistling at people from under the bleachers with Bailee. I miss Krysia tipping the vending machine over. I miss running out to the bathroom with Sicily in our costumes during intermission. I miss the awesome improv parody show we all planned throughout rehearsals. I miss the dance rehearsals where we all just goofed off and walked like penguins. I miss the anticipation that lead up to the first time we all saw the sacrifice dance. I miss the dazed, brainwashed faces on all of the guys the first time we performed the lullaby for everyone. I miss listening to Matt actually play Tumnus’ flute. I miss dancing with our invisible partners, and I miss our lovely choir when we didn’t have any music. (Da da, da da, da-da-da x3)

I miss the pizza party and movie with Hannah being the White Witch and me being Aslan and doing the sacrifice dance by ourselves along to the movie. I miss walking into 7-11 with my brother in our stage makeup at midnight after shows. I miss listening to The Script before every show. I miss the long conversations that the three of us had – Nick, Sicily, and I – backstage during Act 1. I miss when Emily and I were talking about boys and then after about 10 minutes we realize that Erik is filming us for the DVD.

I miss everyone. I miss the circle around me and the piano at the cast party. I miss the Witch and Dwarf Show feat. Socially Awkward Harpie. I miss the joy that the Holly and Tyra as Reindeer accident gave me right before I puked and finished the show, puking at all of my exits. I miss our lunches in the bleachers. I miss when Hannah and I blasted “Black or White” by Michael Jackson after the first show of the day and interrupted the volunteer debriefing.

 

I miss so much more. But I’ve already been missing things for an hour, and if I go any longer it will be midnight.

All I can do, is love you to pieces. Though at the moment I’m very confused as to who “you” are.

That Awkward Moment:

When you’re on Skype with your grandma and she asks:

“Who is that handsome boyfriend of yours in the picture with you?”

“That would be my brother, Grandma.”

The Point.

I don’t see it anymore. I just don’t care. I want to be around people who understand, or who at least try. I want friends right now, nothing more. I don’t care about this. It’s unimportant. I want a shoulder to cry on. I wouldn’t mind it being yours, but with you simply being a friend is impossible. You’ve got alterior motives. Just be my friend instead of over-analyzing and making it all complicated. Let there be no feelings.

I know you’re fine, but what about the fallout. What do I do.

 

P.S. Inception ^^^^^^^^

P.S.

One final post for the day.

 

 

I’ve been chilling in Starbucks, supposedly studying. Just people watching. Love.

Monologue.

You know, at night I rehearse everything I want to say.

 

Well, Hey.

It’s me.

Most of you know that already, but if not, hey, that’s cool.

Because I kind of live under a rock.

You’ll never see me around, only here.

Unless, of course, I stalk you. Which is highly plausible. I stalk alot of people.

Mostly the ones I used to be close to, or want to be close to.

That’s just me.

Tonight.

I’m slightly nervous for it.

 

I’m a bit terrified of being rejected or excluded.

And mostly I’m scared that people have forgotten me.

 

Please prove me wrong. Please make me look back on tonight and say:

“Why did I even bother worrying myself about this?”

 

Please. It’s up to you.

This is why we do it, this is worth the pain.

This is when we fall down and get back up again.

This is where the heart lies, this is from above.

Love = This. This = Love.

From February

Dear You,

I never imagined in a million years that it would be you, in the end. Never in a million years did I think it would be anybody. I mean, I thought I already had someone for me. I don’t remember how it started, I don’t remember when it started. All I know is it happened the first time I saw you after Christmas. From January until now, we’ve gotten so much closer.

I don’t know why it started. I think it was a little random. I think one day, I was talking to you and then, it just sorta kicked in and hit me in the head. So from therefore on, I loved it when I had your slightest attention.

Now here’s where I tell you what you need to understand. I’m not like them. Not like those girls, who took a different approach to you. I don’t like clinging to you, throwing myself all over you. I don’t like to follow you around, I don’t sit beside you. I don’t like it being obvious to others. I don’t like forcing it upon you.

I don’t like making the moves, for fear of annoying you. In case you don’t appreciate girls sitting on your lap and smothering you with hugs 24/7. I just kinda lay back a bit. I don’t want to spend time with you because I’m ever so coincidentally beside you all the time (ahem, stalking you.). I’d rather you make the decision to come to me. To sit beside me, to talk to me. To hug me of your own accord.

I put myself in positions where that would be easy for you to do. I should be easy to approach, to talk to. And in the past couple weeks, that happened. It was lovely.

While those handful of girls were flinging themselves at you, it was nice for once to come sit beside me and enjoy yourself in some new company. While they were consistently hugging you, grabbing your hand, sitting on your lap; it was actually enjoyable for you to come and put your arm around me. I was a safety, and I’m fine with that because you’re mine.

I like your smile. I like when you dance with me. I like when you come to me. I like when you sit beside me and talk. I like when we laugh together. I like our mindless little games. I like the way you hug me, I feel so wonderfully safe. And. I like you.

Thanks for being an awesome friend, thanks for improving the best five months of my life. Thanks for showing me what it feels like to be held. Thank you for holding me. Thanks for your consistent hugs when I’m sad. Thanks for our little backstage cuddle-puddles and thumb wars. Thanks for telling me I was amazing. You are too.

I miss you already, and I’ll miss you everyday until we meet again.

 

 

(Tonight, I’ve been reading back some old journal entries. They’re quite brilliant so I needed to publish.)

What You Need To Know

List form.

- I regret not taking that chance with you.
- I feel soooo horrible about the things I’ve said to you.
- I admire you extremely. Not because you’ve never made mistakes, we now know that that isn’t anywhere near true. But because of how you chose to act upon that mistake you made, and how you sorted it out.
- I almost deleted all of those pictures of you and her on your phone.
- It killed me to talk to her.
- I was thinking about breaking you two up.
- I was jealous of how pretty she was.
- I sat on my floor and cried over you for three days in a row.
- I’ve thought about you everyday since 2009. Legit.
- I want a second chance.
- Its not you, its me.
- I like your hair.
- I like the feel of my hands on your back when we hug.
- I keep a picture of you on my camera for those lonely nights.
- I wish you would show up tonight, like in those movies.
- I’m scared for you to go to school, because I’m afraid you’ll find someone else and forget me.
- You might me bad for me, but realize that I’m probably bad for you.
- I like to talk about other guys in front of you, to make you jealous.
- I have a friend stalking you for me.
- I stalk your YouTube channel.
- You’re tone deaf, but you can still serenade me.
- I like you for you, don’t change that.
- I secretly hope you do get taller than me.
- You can’t count on me to be confident and take risks.
- I’ll get paranoid and break your heart.
- I don’t know anything in this area.
- I consider you a player, even if you don’t.
- I like it when you say my name.
- I love it when you call me nicknames.
- I’ve written two songs that were inspired by you.
- I’m scared of “us”.
- You’re consistently my 11:11 wish.
- I like when you wear hats.
- I’m disgusted by your ugly pajama pants.
- Don’t underestimate being a gentleman.
- Stop conforming to the stereotype, and be your old sweet self.
- I love you. Maybe not though.

Conversations From Autumn.

 

Me: And they said I was loveable.
    You: They're probably blind.
    Me: Come on, but seriously.
    You: Yes.
    Me: Yes, what?
    You: You are so loveable.

I wish you were here. But you’re not, you’re there. And there doesn’t know how lucky it is.

Maybe.

I should write a song. It's been awhile and this story is too long to tell someone who's a thousand miles away.

I Give Up.

I'm done with thinking. I'm done with being confused. I'm done with hoping, wondering, imagining. I need to let go. I need to accept. I'm through with denial and I'm through with sticking by you because it's frustrating.


Thank you for your application into my life, we will take it under consideration.

To See Your Beautiful Face.

Wow.

Things are starting to work out a little bit.

Welcome, Insomnia.

Stop It.

Brain, just quit it.

Whatever happened to peace at night?
Why can't I lay on my pillow and think anymore?
Why am I sooo restless?
Why can't I make up my mind?
Why do I keep ranting to myself?
Why am I so confused?
Why is it that all of a sudden, my brain just starts screaming memories at me when all I want to do is be calm and wonder?
Why is this insomnia back again?
Why aren't I sure of anything anymore?
What happened that made everything just completely switch up?
What sub conscious realization is waiting for me?
Again, why am I so restless?
Why am I afraid?
Why am I so eager to go right back there and walk right back into a messed up situation that just keeps messing me right up?
Why am I so unsure and insecure all of a sudden?


Nothing at all happened today. No realizations. No interventions. No eureka moments. No brilliant ideas. No romantic gestures. No betrayal of friends.

So why tonight? Why right now? Why is this happening? Why isn't it making sense?

Hello World.

Now known as “Brittanyloo”.

 

P.S. I miss you guys : (

Dreams. That’s Where I Have To Go.

I read somewhere…a blog, “100% True Facts!”.

“When someone appears in your dream, it means they want to see you.”

If I could believe this, I would feel so enlightened. I want to believe it. It seems plausible. But where’s the proof?

I remember this one day, a creeper I know walked up to me and told me he had a dream about me the night before. I never in a million years wanted to see him. But I was still in his dream?

This is what makes me doubtful. I wish I didn’t have to be. Wouldn’t life be so less confusing, so much more simple?

 

And I look up to you. Like you never ever knew. And I love you. You would never have believed it was true, but I do.

Drama.

The past couple weeks, my stress level has increased. It’s peak season for my dad and his work, this is the time of year where he’s traveling all the time and only home for five days maximum.

My level of responsibility increases, as well as levels of complexity in my days.

What I really NEED is simplicity. And that is really hard to come by, teenagers these days are powered by ‘one-upping’ each other’s drama. I try my best not to, but I am still not innocent.

The weight of everyone’s drama is piling down on me the past week. and, I must say, social media makes the problem alot worse. People get more comfortable conversing online, and say things they could never say in person. There’s oversharing, bullying, and feeeeelings.

I need a break from drama, because let me tell you, every day I get emailed, messaged, called, or pulled into bathrooms because of someone else’s drama. Thats because I’ve always told people I would be there for them. But this is getting kind of ridiculous.

YO, I DIDN’T MEAN FOR EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU SAY TO THAT GUY, OR GOSSIP ABOUT SOMEONE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!

I’ve had enough of drama. So if its there, don’t bother me with it. Sure, I’m happy to help you solve your problems, but from now on, I’m only enabling myself to deal with a select few people. People i know who have something worth my time, effort, and sleep.

Please, enough with the drama.

“Life, is essentially the definition of simplicity. However, we seek out complications to inject into life. Goodbye simplicity.”

Hipster.

I love it.

Plus, I’m happy cause I just made cookie dough without raw eggs. And I get to eat it. Oh. Love. All of the people are jealous.

Behind The Mask

Is just a girl who waits patiently in line, for her turn at life. Her time to shine. To find the spotlight that’s meant for her. She wants to be loved. She wants to love. She just wants to feel secure in her insecurity. She wants to let go of all inhibitions. For now, that remains the most difficult task.

 

 

The Day I Start Again.

From this moment on, I'm changing the way I feel.

I still don't know how to act, know what so say

I still talk about you like it was yesterday.

But you're long gone, and moved on.

I haven't thought to deeply lately. I try, but I end up too exhausted. I use the excuse of being busy. Pretty lame, I know. Because of my procrastination of thinking about everything lately, I have to have other people tell me about the world. Through music, photographs, and actions. I always thought the only way you could teach yourself and think is by exerting your brain and your heart, and coming up with some material that sounds legitimate and believeable. And then you convince yourself to believe it.

But lately while reading Tumblrs, listening to albums, and watching other people when they're silent, I've learned so much more than I would ever while trying to figure things out myself. The most significant thing I've realized - We need each other. As people. We would all lose any sanity if we didn't socialize. We teach each other. We need the ex-cons and terrorists. We need the shady figures, the disagreements.

Otherwise. What would we have to fight for? Who would we have to teach?

I often wish certain people were perfect, I wish they didn't make mistakes they do. I wish they were so ignorant or oblivious in situations. I wish they would speak up. But then, I realize that that's why we strive. Is to try and teach them, to hope they would catch on. To defy them. To take a stand.

That's how we're energized. That's where we gain our pride. That's how we feel we make differences. Because otherwise...what difference would it make?



Just Fangirling.

These aren't even a quarter of the stalker fangirl pictures I have on my computer. But I'm cleaning my folders, so I needed to put them somewhere because I don't wanna lose them. Because I look at these and eat chocolate when I'm having a Forever Alone night (that's every night).

You There.

Finally.

"It took awhile, but after you broke my heart I finally washed the cheek you kissed."

I Guess Its Just One Of Those Nights.

One of those nights when, you can't help crying yourself to sleep, even though there's nothing to cry about. Its one of those nights when you remember the past, wonder about the future, and vow to change things that really can't be helped. Its that night when you get courageous, and try and mend relationships. Its when you get courageous and deepen current relationships. Its when you get courageous and pour your heart out to a stranger.

There is nothing that feels as good as confessing everything to someone who you will only see once or twice in your lifetime. I did that tonight. And it was mutual. And it felt so good. and it inspired me, to deliver letter that I wrote, never intended for reading. To apologize for things I couldn't face before. To call someone that I love with all my heart, just to talk.


I did alot of things on a whim tonight. Some of it worked out, some of it was rejected. some of it, I rejected. It was a good break from everything.

Sure, I made a fool out of myself. Sure, I won't wanna look at a few of these people ever again. But then there a couple people that I can't wait to talk to again. A few crosses lifted off my shoulders. No more guilt in my consience, from what happened, whaat I did, and what I should've done but didn't.


I should have strangers over more often. She, is just like me. I could be her twin. we're feeling the exact same things at the moment, and we can talk about it because to each other, it isn't unusual, it isn't impossible. To us, its just a day in the life. I feel like she's my long lost sister, or kindred spirit. We will never be best friends. We won't see each other often at all. But I know that I can confide in her, and I'm glad I met her. Even if I only only got to spend tonight with her, out of all eternity. We're connected and we understand each other.


c'est la vie.


I definitely have my disappointments of how some things turned out tonight. They didn't go the way I had planned them in my dreams for so long. But that's okay, there's always tomorrow.


And I can always join the witness protecton program, get a facelift, and immigrate to fiji.

Tonight, We Are Young.

So let’s set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun.

So if by the time the bar closes, and you feel like falling down. I’ll carry you home tonight.

Cherishing.

I’m struggling with this lately.

Just a few weeks ago, I was doing just fine, cherishing everything. But then life resumed, and finals were more important than falling in love; working took priority over whimsicality; drama reigned over dancing and doodling.

I don’t know what happened. Sometimes things fall out of line. Like me, almost every day. But I usually recover. I’m feeling held down, overwhelmed, and scheduled. I need structure, but I hate being scheduled. I need Sunday afternoon naps. That can’t happen anymore. I need my musical evenings of dancing and playing and singing. That doesn’t occur lately. I need to get lost in a good book. Well, if that book is called Algebra 1, then I’m in luck.

 

I’m gonna need to start forcing myself to dance everyday. Forcing myself to create scrumptious cookies like I used to. I need to mandate an hour of doodling in the mornings. Or an evening of girly things, like baths, pedicures, and chick flicks.

Though, it probably isn’t going to happen. I cannot wait to escape this town, and just take it easy in the sun for six weeks. All I’ll have to worry about is reading adventure and Jane Austen by the pool, and there’ll be no drama, no hold-backs, no inhibitions. Just cherishing.

 

I love being busy, I have to be busy. But there’s a line that I’ve seemed to cross. And I can’t erase it right now, but never again will I draw it.

A Letter, to You.

I have been thinking quite a bit about you lately. And I miss you a whole lot.
I needed to write this letter to you. Just because, its night. And I'm not thinking straight, so naturally I am thinking most brilliantly.


Night is special to me, because its the only time I can focus on thining about you. I can playback word for word conversations. I can reenact in my mind every time I've been in your presence.

That hasn't happened in a while (being in your presence), and now I just need to organize my thoughts of you on paper. Or pixels.


I want to hear every litte detail about you lately. I will make decisions based on the possibilites that might involve you. Would you be more likely to be at Costco, or Safeway? Well, I've seen you in Safeway, but I've heard that you shop at Costco.

That kinda stuff is the stuff I can cover in my head during daylight hours. But the beautiful stuff I accomplish at night is much more worthy. The worst part is I forget everything in the morning, and I cannot concentrate on getting it back So I am writing this all down.


I don't know much about you lately. I don't know what's keeping you busy, what movies you want to see, what songs are your favorites, what level you're at it Skyrim.

I do not know what happened, but I guess its harder to keep tabs of each other. I don't even know why. Well..yes I do. And its me.


I made a big decision, and it was made because you reassured me that you weren't going to be socially alive to me anyways. So...I believed that.

Kinda just like I believed all of that other stuff. Kind of how I believed it was 'your friends'. Kind of how I believed you were any good. Kind of like I believed that it was 'definitely not out of jealousy-oriented behaviour'.


I know I cannot trust you. I still do nevertheless. I guess people do change and try be gain a responsibility that comes with a much higher maturity level. We both know you are not possibly mature enough for the resonsibility of committed relationships. Neither am I. Neither is anyone else in our generation.

It doesn't mean I don't love you though. Teenagers can absolutely love people, contrary to popular belief. I just don't think we can "fall in love". Our stage of love is a friendship one for sure. I would die for you, do ridiculous things for you. And I do. I put up with you don't I?


For all these years, name just three people that have always been there on your side, with you. You can't can you? There's only one person. We both know.


Now, because of mistakes you've made, you have a horrible reputation. Everyone whispers things about you. And it hurts me so much. But they don't see the courage that you showed. They do not have a clue how you dealt with everything. And that is what makes me proud to say I stuck by you.




There is only one hour every week when I know exactly where you are. And even then I cannot be sure. It kills me now though, because for the first time in forever, I'm not beside you.


I do miss you, I wonder about you. I wonder if you're eating Edo tonight, I wonder if you've gotten your liscence yet. I just wonder. And I dream.


xoxo
Me.

The Wisdom Of Tonight.

There's so much I've come to realize, about the present, and there's also alot of things I recognize that will happen in the future.

Like, growing up. I can't possibly grow up. Like, lets be real here. But I can so grow up. It just sneaks up on you. One day I was in grade one, daydreaming of the absolute impossibility that I would one day be in high school. "Wow", I'd think. "I'll never make it, but one day I could be a teenager. I could drive a car. I could be in high school. I could have a job. I could have a little girl that would be in grade one." And thus the cycle repeats.


I have been in constant denial since I turned thirteen. And the worst part is that I recognize that. So now I have to try and stop denying reality. Even though reality bites.


Its time to face the fact that it will not get easier whatsoever. Its that time when God decides I am ready to handle drama, bear crosses, and make torturing decisions. So he throws it on all on me. And I seem to be doing okay so far.


I know it will have its moments. And now, I don't want to rush the process of growing up. Because I used to do that. And now I regret it. You just stay as young as possible. Becaue with more growth comes more responsibility, and it can get tough. That is no lie.


"Tomorrow you're not going to be as young, and you haven't been as close to death as you are today." Savour it.




Me:"Un"
Brother: "Un"
Me: "Deux"
Brother: "Deux"
Me: "Trois"
Brother: "Trois"
Me: "Quatre"
Brother: "...Meow, meow!"

Ages 6 and 3.



"Don't lose the way that you dance, around in your PJ's getting ready for school." - Never Grow Up/Taylor Swift

The Wonders of Nutella.

After just eating a Nutella sandwich, at 11:30pm I might not sleep for a while. I was hoping to sleep today, but I don't think thats gonna happen.

I would define myself as a recovering insomniac. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still never get to sleep until 2am at the earliest. For some, that is ridiculous. But it used to be 4am until I actually got into bed.

All of my intensely ridiculously deep and emotional thoughts are thunk in the middle of the night. All my most impressing feelings are felt after midnight. I don't know what it is, I just don't seem to be as brilliant during the day.

All the songs I've written were written after midnight.. Any simple but enthralling writing is done during the period of time where you're waiting for the sun to come up. After 4am, there's this...anticipation that you can only feel after staying up all night. Only after 4am, until the sun comes up. And when it does, nothing is special anymore.

I consider myself a total extrovert. I couldn't be a hermit. Believe that. But, there's something about night that captivates me. Maybe, it is the absence of the need to socialize that allows me to focus. Maybe, it could be the utter tranquility of it all. At night, there's nothing that you are supposed to worry about.

God made night, so we could sleep. To rest. We cannot rest if we're paranoid, depressed, or scared. So night is purposefully peaceful. And the insomnia. Well, some of the most beautiful people are insomniacs. Because we're so irrational at night, that irrationality becomes sense. It becomes second nature, and it becomes the right way of thinking. Some people cannot help their insomnia. It may be a curse, but for me it is a huge blessing. I could never accomplish during the day, the thought process of a sinlge hour in the middle of the night.


So while you dream on, I'll be thinking of you. I'll be thinking of stupidity and mistakes that could've been avoided. I'll be planning conversations, moments, and memories with certain people. I'll be writing, singing, and dancing. I'll be wondering, I'll be inventing.


But I promise myself that I will never do one thing during the night. Worry.




"Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You'll be alright, noone can hurt you now. Come morning light, you and I'll be Safe & Sound." - Safe & Sound/Taylor Swift feat. The Civil Wars

Summing It Up.

The lyrics that pretty much sum it all up for me.


"Hold on, baby you're losing it. The water's high, you're jumping into it and letting go, and noone knows, that you cry, but you don't tell anyone, that you might not be the golden one. And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone." - Tied Together With A Smile/Taylor Swift


"There's no room in my life for an ego your size." - Crash Your Party/Karmin


"Love like its all that we know." - Live Like There's No Tomorrow/Selena Gomez & The Scene


"I could stick around, get along with you.....Doesn't really mean that I'm into you." -Hello/Dragonette


"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me, lying on the floor, surround me, surround me." - You Found Me/The Fray


"I'm swearing if I go there now, I can change your mind, turn it all around." - Nothing/The Script


"I took a chance, I took a shot, And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not." - Tell Me Why/Taylor Swift


"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape, DUMBLEDORE!" -The Mysterious Ticking Noise/Potter Puppet Pals


"We go together like Marley & Reggae." - Brighter Than The Sun/Colbie Callait


"I like it like that, yeah, windows down, chillin' with the radio on." - I Like It That/Hot Chelle Rae


"I'm leaving, on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again." -Leaving On A Jet Plane/(Uh I forget Her Name)


"A shooting star, a ray of light, a breeze that calms me in the night." -Unity/Kelly Rowland


"I just wanna run to you, break off the chains, and throw them away. Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour." - Saviour/Lights


"Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends, so take it easy, only I'm afraid you're never satisfied." - Animal/Neon Trees


Its clear that things have changed since when we started but we can't just walk away babe. I know, things aren't quite like what they used to be, different faces different places, yeah, we can try, oh yeah, we can try" - We Can Try/Between The Trees


"Where we're going I don't know, so baby won't you let it go. Don't you worry, won't you let it go, baby don't worry, just let it go, let it go." - Change of Seasons/Sweet Thing


"I wanna run with a reckless emotion, find out if love is the size of an ocean,even if I crash down, burn out, at least I'm gonna know what its like, to feel alive." - Alive/Melissa O'neill



And, there it goes. For now, at least. I feel like I'm missing alot, but that's the norm for me.

Apple Cider.

Is all I want. Is all I need to make everything better.

I swear, I can do it all. I just did do it all. I have done it all. Alot of times. So why are you stopping me now? Because I can't possibly succeed three times? No. Because you know I can. And I still will.

If you want me to learn, let me do this. Because I'll learn something like I do every year. I'll meet new people, develop stronger friendships, and its never worth it unless I cry at least once because of it all.

And if you are in fact right, that I cannot handle it, that it will develop more drama, that it is a bad decision. Well then, I guess I will learn from that mistake.



You do not have to parent me, because you're a close friend. Just because you gained back my trust doesn't mean you can have a say in my decisions.


And I wonder why I let you in on so much, when it seems you barely have a clue.
Maybe I love you, maybe I am holding on. But my hands are starting to slip. I am losing my grip, as you continue to linger around and not doing anything to help me. I am a big girl now.

So I'll see you in April. And maybe things will have changed. Maybe you will have acted on your mistakes. And, if we're lucky, hopefully you'll have aologized to everyone as well. Its taken you long enough.

Poetry.

Way to inspire #1: Through my writing.


No one knows I can write. Not even me. But sometimes my heart whispers that I can accomplish so much through writing. I've never every considered myself a writer, or a poet. Especially not poet.

But I write songs. And lyrics. And I journal in an abnormal way for some people. Alot of people don't understand my writing.

I was perusing one day. And I came to realize a pattern. There's actually a multitude of people who write exactly like me. Same style, same content, same personality. There's a vast ocean of people just like me. I feel like I understand them. And I know that they could understand me if they knew I existed.

I listened to what my heart was whispering to me, and I entered some poetry contests.

It was very different for me.

You see, I came up with a little..."verse" last month, and I've been changing words around and writing it out contiuously. Because it was a creativity I've never seen in myself before.

So here is what I came up with last month, and what I entered in a poetry contest:

She makes her way, as she tiptoes softly.

She climbs into her lofty bed, her face alive with her dreams.

She'll lie there, and she'll cry there.

And then she dies there, holding laughter in her heart.

I don't know what it means. And that kind of scares me. But I love it. And now I'm not as weary of writing cheesy lines and poetry.

But I'm still not a writer, no matter how much I secretly fanasize about being one.

Definitions.

in·spire: fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something.

To me, it can’t get more perfect as a definition. This definition inspires me.
My biggest goal in life, is to be an inspiration.


I want to inspire you.

The Beginning.

I needed to keep track. I did not know how. I did not know where to start. So I opened my eyes, lifted my head off the pillow, and grabbed a Sharpie.

And that, is the time that I documented my fears, hopes, and heartbreaks on a paper lantern hanging above my bed. That was last night.

So you can see, I needed to find a better system. I do not care if you read this blog. Even though the things I will put on here I would never reveal to my closest friends, you are not invading. Or maybe you are. But I would love it if you did invade.