Finally.

"It took awhile, but after you broke my heart I finally washed the cheek you kissed."

I Guess Its Just One Of Those Nights.

One of those nights when, you can't help crying yourself to sleep, even though there's nothing to cry about. Its one of those nights when you remember the past, wonder about the future, and vow to change things that really can't be helped. Its that night when you get courageous, and try and mend relationships. Its when you get courageous and deepen current relationships. Its when you get courageous and pour your heart out to a stranger.

There is nothing that feels as good as confessing everything to someone who you will only see once or twice in your lifetime. I did that tonight. And it was mutual. And it felt so good. and it inspired me, to deliver letter that I wrote, never intended for reading. To apologize for things I couldn't face before. To call someone that I love with all my heart, just to talk.


I did alot of things on a whim tonight. Some of it worked out, some of it was rejected. some of it, I rejected. It was a good break from everything.

Sure, I made a fool out of myself. Sure, I won't wanna look at a few of these people ever again. But then there a couple people that I can't wait to talk to again. A few crosses lifted off my shoulders. No more guilt in my consience, from what happened, whaat I did, and what I should've done but didn't.


I should have strangers over more often. She, is just like me. I could be her twin. we're feeling the exact same things at the moment, and we can talk about it because to each other, it isn't unusual, it isn't impossible. To us, its just a day in the life. I feel like she's my long lost sister, or kindred spirit. We will never be best friends. We won't see each other often at all. But I know that I can confide in her, and I'm glad I met her. Even if I only only got to spend tonight with her, out of all eternity. We're connected and we understand each other.


c'est la vie.


I definitely have my disappointments of how some things turned out tonight. They didn't go the way I had planned them in my dreams for so long. But that's okay, there's always tomorrow.


And I can always join the witness protecton program, get a facelift, and immigrate to fiji.

Tonight, We Are Young.

So let’s set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun.

So if by the time the bar closes, and you feel like falling down. I’ll carry you home tonight.

Cherishing.

I’m struggling with this lately.

Just a few weeks ago, I was doing just fine, cherishing everything. But then life resumed, and finals were more important than falling in love; working took priority over whimsicality; drama reigned over dancing and doodling.

I don’t know what happened. Sometimes things fall out of line. Like me, almost every day. But I usually recover. I’m feeling held down, overwhelmed, and scheduled. I need structure, but I hate being scheduled. I need Sunday afternoon naps. That can’t happen anymore. I need my musical evenings of dancing and playing and singing. That doesn’t occur lately. I need to get lost in a good book. Well, if that book is called Algebra 1, then I’m in luck.

 

I’m gonna need to start forcing myself to dance everyday. Forcing myself to create scrumptious cookies like I used to. I need to mandate an hour of doodling in the mornings. Or an evening of girly things, like baths, pedicures, and chick flicks.

Though, it probably isn’t going to happen. I cannot wait to escape this town, and just take it easy in the sun for six weeks. All I’ll have to worry about is reading adventure and Jane Austen by the pool, and there’ll be no drama, no hold-backs, no inhibitions. Just cherishing.

 

I love being busy, I have to be busy. But there’s a line that I’ve seemed to cross. And I can’t erase it right now, but never again will I draw it.

A Letter, to You.

I have been thinking quite a bit about you lately. And I miss you a whole lot.
I needed to write this letter to you. Just because, its night. And I'm not thinking straight, so naturally I am thinking most brilliantly.


Night is special to me, because its the only time I can focus on thining about you. I can playback word for word conversations. I can reenact in my mind every time I've been in your presence.

That hasn't happened in a while (being in your presence), and now I just need to organize my thoughts of you on paper. Or pixels.


I want to hear every litte detail about you lately. I will make decisions based on the possibilites that might involve you. Would you be more likely to be at Costco, or Safeway? Well, I've seen you in Safeway, but I've heard that you shop at Costco.

That kinda stuff is the stuff I can cover in my head during daylight hours. But the beautiful stuff I accomplish at night is much more worthy. The worst part is I forget everything in the morning, and I cannot concentrate on getting it back So I am writing this all down.


I don't know much about you lately. I don't know what's keeping you busy, what movies you want to see, what songs are your favorites, what level you're at it Skyrim.

I do not know what happened, but I guess its harder to keep tabs of each other. I don't even know why. Well..yes I do. And its me.


I made a big decision, and it was made because you reassured me that you weren't going to be socially alive to me anyways. So...I believed that.

Kinda just like I believed all of that other stuff. Kind of how I believed it was 'your friends'. Kind of how I believed you were any good. Kind of like I believed that it was 'definitely not out of jealousy-oriented behaviour'.


I know I cannot trust you. I still do nevertheless. I guess people do change and try be gain a responsibility that comes with a much higher maturity level. We both know you are not possibly mature enough for the resonsibility of committed relationships. Neither am I. Neither is anyone else in our generation.

It doesn't mean I don't love you though. Teenagers can absolutely love people, contrary to popular belief. I just don't think we can "fall in love". Our stage of love is a friendship one for sure. I would die for you, do ridiculous things for you. And I do. I put up with you don't I?


For all these years, name just three people that have always been there on your side, with you. You can't can you? There's only one person. We both know.


Now, because of mistakes you've made, you have a horrible reputation. Everyone whispers things about you. And it hurts me so much. But they don't see the courage that you showed. They do not have a clue how you dealt with everything. And that is what makes me proud to say I stuck by you.




There is only one hour every week when I know exactly where you are. And even then I cannot be sure. It kills me now though, because for the first time in forever, I'm not beside you.


I do miss you, I wonder about you. I wonder if you're eating Edo tonight, I wonder if you've gotten your liscence yet. I just wonder. And I dream.


xoxo
Me.

The Wisdom Of Tonight.

There's so much I've come to realize, about the present, and there's also alot of things I recognize that will happen in the future.

Like, growing up. I can't possibly grow up. Like, lets be real here. But I can so grow up. It just sneaks up on you. One day I was in grade one, daydreaming of the absolute impossibility that I would one day be in high school. "Wow", I'd think. "I'll never make it, but one day I could be a teenager. I could drive a car. I could be in high school. I could have a job. I could have a little girl that would be in grade one." And thus the cycle repeats.


I have been in constant denial since I turned thirteen. And the worst part is that I recognize that. So now I have to try and stop denying reality. Even though reality bites.


Its time to face the fact that it will not get easier whatsoever. Its that time when God decides I am ready to handle drama, bear crosses, and make torturing decisions. So he throws it on all on me. And I seem to be doing okay so far.


I know it will have its moments. And now, I don't want to rush the process of growing up. Because I used to do that. And now I regret it. You just stay as young as possible. Becaue with more growth comes more responsibility, and it can get tough. That is no lie.


"Tomorrow you're not going to be as young, and you haven't been as close to death as you are today." Savour it.




Me:"Un"
Brother: "Un"
Me: "Deux"
Brother: "Deux"
Me: "Trois"
Brother: "Trois"
Me: "Quatre"
Brother: "...Meow, meow!"

Ages 6 and 3.



"Don't lose the way that you dance, around in your PJ's getting ready for school." - Never Grow Up/Taylor Swift

The Wonders of Nutella.

After just eating a Nutella sandwich, at 11:30pm I might not sleep for a while. I was hoping to sleep today, but I don't think thats gonna happen.

I would define myself as a recovering insomniac. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still never get to sleep until 2am at the earliest. For some, that is ridiculous. But it used to be 4am until I actually got into bed.

All of my intensely ridiculously deep and emotional thoughts are thunk in the middle of the night. All my most impressing feelings are felt after midnight. I don't know what it is, I just don't seem to be as brilliant during the day.

All the songs I've written were written after midnight.. Any simple but enthralling writing is done during the period of time where you're waiting for the sun to come up. After 4am, there's this...anticipation that you can only feel after staying up all night. Only after 4am, until the sun comes up. And when it does, nothing is special anymore.

I consider myself a total extrovert. I couldn't be a hermit. Believe that. But, there's something about night that captivates me. Maybe, it is the absence of the need to socialize that allows me to focus. Maybe, it could be the utter tranquility of it all. At night, there's nothing that you are supposed to worry about.

God made night, so we could sleep. To rest. We cannot rest if we're paranoid, depressed, or scared. So night is purposefully peaceful. And the insomnia. Well, some of the most beautiful people are insomniacs. Because we're so irrational at night, that irrationality becomes sense. It becomes second nature, and it becomes the right way of thinking. Some people cannot help their insomnia. It may be a curse, but for me it is a huge blessing. I could never accomplish during the day, the thought process of a sinlge hour in the middle of the night.


So while you dream on, I'll be thinking of you. I'll be thinking of stupidity and mistakes that could've been avoided. I'll be planning conversations, moments, and memories with certain people. I'll be writing, singing, and dancing. I'll be wondering, I'll be inventing.


But I promise myself that I will never do one thing during the night. Worry.




"Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You'll be alright, noone can hurt you now. Come morning light, you and I'll be Safe & Sound." - Safe & Sound/Taylor Swift feat. The Civil Wars

Summing It Up.

The lyrics that pretty much sum it all up for me.


"Hold on, baby you're losing it. The water's high, you're jumping into it and letting go, and noone knows, that you cry, but you don't tell anyone, that you might not be the golden one. And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone." - Tied Together With A Smile/Taylor Swift


"There's no room in my life for an ego your size." - Crash Your Party/Karmin


"Love like its all that we know." - Live Like There's No Tomorrow/Selena Gomez & The Scene


"I could stick around, get along with you.....Doesn't really mean that I'm into you." -Hello/Dragonette


"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me, lying on the floor, surround me, surround me." - You Found Me/The Fray


"I'm swearing if I go there now, I can change your mind, turn it all around." - Nothing/The Script


"I took a chance, I took a shot, And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not." - Tell Me Why/Taylor Swift


"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape, DUMBLEDORE!" -The Mysterious Ticking Noise/Potter Puppet Pals


"We go together like Marley & Reggae." - Brighter Than The Sun/Colbie Callait


"I like it like that, yeah, windows down, chillin' with the radio on." - I Like It That/Hot Chelle Rae


"I'm leaving, on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again." -Leaving On A Jet Plane/(Uh I forget Her Name)


"A shooting star, a ray of light, a breeze that calms me in the night." -Unity/Kelly Rowland


"I just wanna run to you, break off the chains, and throw them away. Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour." - Saviour/Lights


"Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends, so take it easy, only I'm afraid you're never satisfied." - Animal/Neon Trees


Its clear that things have changed since when we started but we can't just walk away babe. I know, things aren't quite like what they used to be, different faces different places, yeah, we can try, oh yeah, we can try" - We Can Try/Between The Trees


"Where we're going I don't know, so baby won't you let it go. Don't you worry, won't you let it go, baby don't worry, just let it go, let it go." - Change of Seasons/Sweet Thing


"I wanna run with a reckless emotion, find out if love is the size of an ocean,even if I crash down, burn out, at least I'm gonna know what its like, to feel alive." - Alive/Melissa O'neill



And, there it goes. For now, at least. I feel like I'm missing alot, but that's the norm for me.

Apple Cider.

Is all I want. Is all I need to make everything better.

I swear, I can do it all. I just did do it all. I have done it all. Alot of times. So why are you stopping me now? Because I can't possibly succeed three times? No. Because you know I can. And I still will.

If you want me to learn, let me do this. Because I'll learn something like I do every year. I'll meet new people, develop stronger friendships, and its never worth it unless I cry at least once because of it all.

And if you are in fact right, that I cannot handle it, that it will develop more drama, that it is a bad decision. Well then, I guess I will learn from that mistake.



You do not have to parent me, because you're a close friend. Just because you gained back my trust doesn't mean you can have a say in my decisions.


And I wonder why I let you in on so much, when it seems you barely have a clue.
Maybe I love you, maybe I am holding on. But my hands are starting to slip. I am losing my grip, as you continue to linger around and not doing anything to help me. I am a big girl now.

So I'll see you in April. And maybe things will have changed. Maybe you will have acted on your mistakes. And, if we're lucky, hopefully you'll have aologized to everyone as well. Its taken you long enough.

Poetry.

Way to inspire #1: Through my writing.


No one knows I can write. Not even me. But sometimes my heart whispers that I can accomplish so much through writing. I've never every considered myself a writer, or a poet. Especially not poet.

But I write songs. And lyrics. And I journal in an abnormal way for some people. Alot of people don't understand my writing.

I was perusing one day. And I came to realize a pattern. There's actually a multitude of people who write exactly like me. Same style, same content, same personality. There's a vast ocean of people just like me. I feel like I understand them. And I know that they could understand me if they knew I existed.

I listened to what my heart was whispering to me, and I entered some poetry contests.

It was very different for me.

You see, I came up with a little..."verse" last month, and I've been changing words around and writing it out contiuously. Because it was a creativity I've never seen in myself before.

So here is what I came up with last month, and what I entered in a poetry contest:

She makes her way, as she tiptoes softly.

She climbs into her lofty bed, her face alive with her dreams.

She'll lie there, and she'll cry there.

And then she dies there, holding laughter in her heart.

I don't know what it means. And that kind of scares me. But I love it. And now I'm not as weary of writing cheesy lines and poetry.

But I'm still not a writer, no matter how much I secretly fanasize about being one.

Definitions.

in·spire: fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something.

To me, it can’t get more perfect as a definition. This definition inspires me.
My biggest goal in life, is to be an inspiration.


I want to inspire you.

The Beginning.

I needed to keep track. I did not know how. I did not know where to start. So I opened my eyes, lifted my head off the pillow, and grabbed a Sharpie.

And that, is the time that I documented my fears, hopes, and heartbreaks on a paper lantern hanging above my bed. That was last night.

So you can see, I needed to find a better system. I do not care if you read this blog. Even though the things I will put on here I would never reveal to my closest friends, you are not invading. Or maybe you are. But I would love it if you did invade.